As I sat on the bed with my back against the headboard, my arms hugged my legs while resting my chin on my knees. I had just moved the bed and night stand from the master bedroom into the spare room. In my emotional state just thinking about spending a night in that room would throw me into another bawling episode. I didn’t know I had that much water in my body.
The day before, my husband had picked me up from work and brought me back home to our small two-bedroom apartment. Being newly married, just shy of two years, this was all we could afford at the time.
Upon walking into the apartment, I immediately went to the bedroom to shed my work clothes but was stopped by the voice of my spouse. “Sit down. I have something to tell you.”
So, I sat on the edge of the bed.
Looking at his reddened cheeks, I began to wonder what heavy conversation I was about to have with my husband.
Then he spoke these words. “I have moved my things out. I will be living somewhere else. I do not want to be married to you anymore. Don’t look for me. Don’t call me. My lawyer will be in touch with you regarding the divorce. I’m taking the car.”
With that, he reached into his pant pocket and pulled out a handful of coins and tossed them on the dresser. “You can take the bus to work.”
Then he turned around and I watched the back of him retreat into the main apartment. Hearing the front door open then close told me I was now alone.
At age twenty-one how does one even begin to process what just happened. I sat in the same spot for over an hour in shock with the words he spoke playing over and over in my head. Then the flood of tears began and the gut-wrenching sobs took over my body. Who knows how long I laid there immersed in total misery.
Sometime during the night, I woke up. I must have fallen asleep from pure exhaustion. This was when I started moving furniture and my belongings into the spare room vowing to never sleep another night in that room.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. Marilyn Monroe
Thinking back on that difficult time in my life stirs up old memories and feelings. As a very young woman I was forced to grow up and deal with my current situation. I think what shattered the inner core of me was my naivety perception of trust, acceptance, safety, and peace that was now gone.
This was when I started asking myself if there really was such a relationship where I could be fully known. Where all of my imperfections, and past mistakes are exposed and yet still, I am completely accepted and cherished without reservation.
The yearning to be wholly loved overwhelmed me and I wondered where one even begins to find such love. To be free from fear of rejection with an unconditional acceptance. Doesn’t that sound nice?
“There is no greater power in heaven or on earth than pure, unconditional love.” – Wayne Dyer
Honestly, with how imperfect each person is, I question if there is any human who is capable of wholly loving. Maybe our animal friends come close to accomplishing this which may be the reason why so many people have pets. But even an animal companion cannot meet every human need.
My hunger to have this deep intimacy where my soul is laid bare but I’m still loved overwhelmed me. As I searched it was becoming apparent that this was a rare find. Was it even out there amongst others?
Psychologist may argue that a person can wholly love themselves. But even this would take a lifelong process of radical acceptance. Sure, I can love myself but there are times when I have feelings of hate and anger. Self-doubt and guilt get in the way and then I question the validity of my existence. Having these humanistic faults makes it difficult to unconditionally love myself at times.
To be wholly loved needs more than just myself. To be loved unconditionally needs to come from a partnership with someone else who knows me more than I understand myself.
I can only think of one entity that can do this.
With as much rejection, ridicule, blame, and hate that I have experienced in my lifetime, there have been constant reminders telling me that God knows me. That He has seen all of my failings and slipups. And yet, in my vulnerability He still completely accepts who I am and passionately cherishes me without reservation. Now this is what being wholly loved is.
Romans 5:8 – “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” – God’s love is unconditional because it reaches us even before we turn to Him.
God see’s my potential and cultivates a strength inside of me that builds confidence to keep living each day. Not once have I been cast off to the side because of some stupid thing I did. And yet, I am amazed when I look back on these awful times in my life how He stayed present through each experience never leaving me despite whether I felt it or not.
“There is no pit so deep, that God’s love is not deeper still.” – Corrie Ten Boom
Maybe this concept of being wholly loved sounds impossible to you. But it’s not.
To put it simply, even the worst of worst human is wholly loved by God. Why? Because that is who He is. God is love.
Being wholly loved isn’t for a few select, it’s for EVERYONE. Yes, even you.
So, when you feel rejected, ridiculed, hated, or feel alone, say this phrase out loud. “I am wholly loved by God.”
“The only love that won’t disappoint you is one that can’t change, that can’t be lost, that is not based on the ups and downs of life or of how well you live.” – Timothy Keller
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Gwen
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